


we raced the sunset (and we almost won)

by sakaamotos



Series: september's children [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, THIS IS SOME SAD SHIT, and I hold nothing back, please for the love of FUCK, read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 21:56:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21204710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakaamotos/pseuds/sakaamotos
Summary: Akira's brain has finally caught up to him. And not even Goro coming back from his supposed death can really stop how inevitable this all was.





	we raced the sunset (and we almost won)

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, much thanks to Alien (tsbasasakura) for wrangling this into something that makes sense. I'm sorry I gave you all the depression during this.
> 
> Some stuff about the characterizations during this fic. It's a post-canon fic, it takes place around 5-ish years after the end of vanilla P5. Everyone has grown up and their scars have all healed differently. So while you might feel in some parts don't fit the characters we see in the game itself, the truth is that I'm guessing at how they would be this far down the road. And this is also an AU where Akira's brain isn't exactly a nice place to be and that is really what the focus of this fic is.
> 
> (Yes, I'm projecting onto Akira again. It's how I cope.)
> 
> So if you want to talk about my characterization choices in the comments, I am more than willing to. Beyond that, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> (And please, take the tags seriously. I am not joking around in this fic.)

Things, well, things were never perfect where Akira and Akechi were involved.

For the first few months, Sojiro is the only other person that knows that Goro is alive. But Akira makes that sound like a reasonable thing. Goro is still in physical therapy for his leg and is sort of bouncing between places to stay, and Akira doesn’t want to pressure him into anything. What isn’t said is that Akira also needs time to judge everyone’s reactions on his own, before spilling the news of not just Goro’s survival, but Akira’s own ongoing battle with his brain.

A battle he fears that he is losing.

Ryuji is the second person that finds out about Goro.

And Akira doesn’t know about it for almost a month.

Goro had basically tripped over his fake leg thanks to not realizing he was dragging it when going up a ledge. Ryuji had caught him. It was awkward for everyone involved. Goro doesn’t tell Akira because he knows that Akira is still not doing too hot in the mental health department - the scars go beyond the hands - and Ryuji doesn’t say anything because, well, he figures that it’s not his place. He assumes that Akira knows about Goro, and that if it gets too serious, Akira will say something. He knows he can trust his bro like that.

It comes out over drinks at Crossroads. Akira has never handled liquor well, and he’s done several shots already this evening - strong shots - when he starts crying and tells Ryuji that Goro is alive, and while Akira is so fucking happy about that, he also still wants to die.

Ryuji handles that last thing not well.

He cuts Akira off from the booze and starts rooting around for his phone, all while Akira clings to him and sobs incoherently into his jacket. It’s probably the worst Ryuji has ever seen him since the interrogation room, and that strikes some fear into Ryuji’s soul. How long has Akira been like this, and how in the hell has no one ever noticed? Ryuji doesn’t get to ponder on that long, because his hand wraps around Akira’s phone on his inside pocket, and he decides that it’s time to get him somewhere safe. He hits the 1 on the speed dial, expecting it to be Sojiro.

It’s not.

It’s Goro.

“Akira? Babe? Thought you were out with Ryuji tonight?” Ryuji huffs into the phone.

“Uh, it’s actually Ryuji. So, um, Akira took too many shots and now he’s crying and talking about wanting to die, and I need some help.” Ryuji can hear movement on the other end of the phone and some soft swearing.

“Where are you? I’m on my way.” Ryuji rattles off the name of the bar and the location, and tells Akechi that they’ll be right outside when he gets here. They hang up after that, and Ryuji pulls Akira closer to him.

“‘Kira, why haven’t you talked to any of us about this?” Akira doesn’t answer, just continues to shake in Ryuji’s arms and whispering that he’s sorry. If he’s sorry about Goro or the fact that he’s basically been suicidal for an undetermined amount of time, Ryuji isn’t sure. And God, Ryuji is so afraid to ask.

Goro must’ve been closer than Ryuji assumed, because it feels like almost no time has passed before he looks up, and there he is, breathing heavy and holding onto his cane for dear life.

“I called an Uber. Let’s get him out of here.” With one of them on each side, they manage to get him to the Uber with little problem. Akira takes to clinging to Goro during the ride, silent, but still shaking. Goro and Ryuji share looks over his head and it’s not hard to tell that they’re thinking the same thing - this has gone on for far too long.

It’s late enough that the ride to Akira’s apartment isn’t awful and they manage to get him up to his unit without too much issue. Morgana meets them at the door, asking what’s going on, and why do Goro and Ryuji look so scared? Ryuji hates how perceptive Mona is at times, and right now is one of those times. Neither of them answer, they just get Akira to the couch and sit him down, before Goro takes off to the kitchen to fetch water and probably some painkillers for the inevitable headache Akira is going to have.

It goes unspoken between both Ryuji and Goro that they are going to keep watch tonight over Akira. After Akira is made to lie down in a way that he won’t choke on his own vomit if he does throw up, Ryuji makes up a bed on the floor and Goro curls up in the oversized chair by the window. Neither of them get a moment of sleep, and when dawn breaks over the horizon, Ryuji makes a call.

Well, several calls.

That’s how the rest of the Thieves find out about Goro.

They all arrive at Akira’s apartment while he’s in the shower. No one has talked yet about last night or what he said to Ryuji. They aren’t even sure if he remembers. But Ryuji does, and he can’t shake the feeling that he somehow failed Akira in all this. The first of their friends to arrive is Haru, and she sits as far away from Goro as she physically can. Ryuji gets it, gets that old hurts don’t die that easily; but at the same time, Ryuji wants to scream at her that this is no time to be petty, that Akira’s  _ life _ is at stake here. The other thieves arrive steadily after that, with Sojiro and Futaba bringing up the rear. Sojiro stands right by Goro - who is standing closest to the bathroom door, in case Akira needs him - and claps him on the shoulder. They share a strained smile and Ryuji knows that for both of them, this probably feels like a reckoning. 

When Akira comes out of the bathroom, dressed in a pair of old pjs and rubbing a towel through his hair, he stops short at the sight of all his friends in his very tiny apartment, all sharing the same worried look in his direction.

“Uh, this seems a little...extreme?” He tries to smile at them, but it doesn’t meet his eyes.

“How long?” It’s Futaba that speaks up. She on the floor in front of the couch, with Mona in her lap. “How long have you felt like this?” Akira sighs and knows that he isn’t getting out of this easily.

“I just got drunk last night. Nothing I said should be taken seriously, you all know that.” Akira tries to turn away, but Ryuji grabs him by the arm to stop him.

“No, you said you wanted to die and I’m sorry, but we aren’t playing around with that.” They all see his hands clench up, but that is when Goro steps forward and slips his own hands in to pry them open.

“Babe, please, talk to us.” The pet name causes all the air to go out of the room, and Ryuji can feel Haru staring daggers at Goro, but Goro doesn’t even acknowledge it. Ryuji envies him a little for that. “I knew about your hands, but this, this is beyond that.”

“I’m depressed, so what. Not like it’s news.” It's almost chilling to hear him brush it off.

Yusuke is the next person to say anything.

“Yes, but you’re also suicidal, and that’s the problem.” Mona squeaks when Futaba pulls him tighter to her chest as the words get put out there.

Suicidal.

Akira Kurusu, the former leader of the Phantom Thieves, the very person who shot God in the face and  _ lived _ to tell about it, is suicidal.

Akira still isn’t looking at them, but he sighs, like this was all inevitable.

“It’s not like I’m going to actually kill myself.” Once again, Yusuke cuts through the bullshit.

“No, but you’re thinking about it.” Akira finally looks up and glares at Yusuke.

“I’ve been thinking about it since I fired a goddamn bullet at something that should’ve never existed to begin with!” He’s not yelling, but it’s a near thing. “I’ve been thinking about it, since a fucking metal wall went up between Goro and I, and I thought I fucking lost him!” He gets louder. “I’ve been thinking about it, since that son-of-a-bitch got me put on probation and ruined my life, all because I stopped him from raping someone!” He’s at his full volume and the words echo off the walls. Ryuji and Goro both move to pull him into them, as tears are starting up again. “I’ve been thinking about it for so fucking long, but I’m not going to do anything. I promise. I wouldn’t hurt you guys like that. Not now.”

“Akira,” it’s Makoto now. “You need help still, none of this is ok.”

“They don’t make therapy for someone like me. I can’t tell anyone about being a Phantom Thief. And I sure as hell can’t tell them that I killed God.” Sojiro sighs and Ryuji knows that he’s probably heard this whole argument before. It feels so goddamn circular, because Akira has a damn-good fucking point. They can’t tell anyone outside of their circle about being Phantom Thieves, or about Yaldy, or any of the other fucked up shit that they’ve been through in relation to the metaverse.

But Akira still wants to die.

And Ryuji needs to do something about it.

On the other side of him, Goro has his arms wrapped around Akira’s waist, a deliberately more romantic act than Ryuji’s arm around Akira’s shoulders, but his thoughts are the same; Akira desperately needs help, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. He shifts, taking his weight off of his real leg, before deciding to speak.

“This may seem sudden, since most of you just learned that I was still alive as of today, but I’m going to move in with Akira.” Haru starts to raise an objection, but Ann quickly puts a hand out to stop her. “I’m not a therapist, but it would be worse to leave Akira completely alone.”

“I have Morgana.” Akira’s voice is soft again, but there’s no fight in it.

“You told me yourself that Mona splits his time between you and Futaba almost equally.” Akira blows up at his hair, realizing that his words are coming back to bite him. “Akira, you can’t be alone right now, not like this.” 

“And how do we know that you aren’t going to try to kill him again?” Haru finally gets her claws into all this, and Ryuji feels like he could scream. He can see the way both Akira and Goro freeze up at the accusation, and, God, he can tell that they’ve already hashed through all that and probably decided that it wasn’t worth the energy to worry about it. Under his breath, Goro tells Ryuji to hold onto Akira, before placing a kiss to Akira’s forehead and letting go of him. He turns bodily to face Haru, and Ryuji worries that an actual fist fight is about to break out from the amount of tension in the room.

He’s starting to really regret calling Haru over for this.

“I’m aware that you don’t like me, Haru. Trust me, I get why. I’m not stupid and I haven’t forgotten all that I’ve done. I know that Shido’s testimony basically assured that I will never face trial or jail for any of that, and I know that you probably will never forgive me for that either.” Sojiro moves from the wall, and Ryuji can tell that he’s ready to jump in if it gets physical. “But you know what, right now, with Akira the way he is, I don’t give a  _ fuck _ if you don’t like me! I’m not here for you. I’m here for him. And if you would rather pick a fight about our past, then fine, go ahead, pick it. Go ahead and be a piss-poor friend when Akira needs you. Because that is clearly going to do fucking wonders for his mental health!” Sojiro reaches out and grabs him, and that is when Goro realizes that he’s halfway across the room from where he started.

“Alright, that’s enough, you’ve made your point, son.” Haru is trembling, but if it’s from deep-seated rage or fear, no one can tell. “Go on, go back over to him. He needs you.” Goro takes the cue and walks back over to Akira, who immediately moves back into his arms and buries his face into Goro’s shoulder. It makes Goro’s heart clench, because back before, Akira never really seemed the type to be vulnerable, and he hates whatever part he had in making him this way. “Alright, all of you, it’s time to listen. Goro is right. Akira can’t be alone, and having someone here for him all the time is probably our best bet.”

“But why does it have to be him?” And fuck, Haru just isn’t leaving it alone. But before Sojiro can answer her, Akira speaks up.

“Because I want him here.” He doesn’t let go of Goro, but he does look at Haru. “I’m not asking you to forgive him. Personally, I don’t care if you do forgive him or not. But I want him here. And shouldn’t that be the most important part of this?”

“But he tried to kill you!”

“I TRIED TO KILL ME!” 

And well, there it is.

Goro can’t help that his mouth drops open; it seems that pretty much everyone is doing the same thing as they look at Akira.

“FUCK! I knew that there were so many other ways to avoid the interrogation room. I wrote down pretty much every last one of them, planned them all out, but in the end, I still went with the plan that was going to likely put a bullet in my brain.” No one moves or says anything, they don’t dare ruin this moment. “But the price for that bullet was to sell out all of you, and that wasn’t a price I was willing to pay.” 

Ryuji feels like he just got punched in the gut.

He never knew it went that far.

But now it seems so fucking obvious.

“You…” Goro doesn’t know where to begin. “Akira…” He remembers the feeling from back then, of the Metaverse swallowing him up, of the familiar headache that came with it. He hadn’t wanted to shoot Akira, and so he took the Metaverse as a fucking blessing to get out of it. Knowing now that Akira saw that in a much different light, well...fuck.

“And then, in the engine room, I was so willing to trade places with you; but then you fucking... _ sacrificed _ youself for me and I didn’t deserve that!” 

“Bullshit.” It comes from Ryuji, who has officially heard enough. “Why? Why did you want to die so badly!? Was it just Shido’s bullshit? What aren’t you telling us?” From where he’s at in the center of the living room, Sojiro is trying to catch Ryuji’s eye, to get him to stop. But Ryuji never takes his eyes off Akira, who goes back to looking at the floor.

“After I was arrested…” And somehow, almost everyone knows that this is going to involve his incredibly distant parents, “My dad told my mom that he wished that I would just vanish and make their life easier. She agreed. I don’t think they meant for me to hear them. But I did.”

Goro closes his eyes.

He knew from conversations with Akira that his parents weren’t really involved in his life. He was the middle of three kids and probably an accident baby, because he said that they always talked about having just one boy and one girl. Knowing that they basically admitted to wanting him to die to make their life easier, well, it really makes him wish that he still had Loki.

“Fuck.” Goro’s eyes snap open at Ryuji dropping an eff-bomb, because it’s so out of character. But really, what about anything that is happening here today is in character? “Ok, new plan: fuck therapy, we’re taking a trip to Inaba to fight Akira’s parents.” The tension in the room breaks and Goro thinks that is exactly what was needed. Even Akira laughs.

But the levity doesn’t last long and reality sinks back in.

“Guys. I’m...glad you all came over to try to help, but I don’t think there’s much you can do. This is just how I am now.” Akira leans up to press a kiss to Goro’s cheek and then pushes past Ryuji to head towards the bedroom. “I really need a nap. My head still hurts from the booze, and yelling hasn’t been helping. I’ll see you all later.” Once he shuts the bedroom door behind him, Goro and Ryuji share a look of ‘now what’?

“Are we...just going to leave it like that?” Ann finally speaks up, after being fairly quiet throughout all this, because she’s been through all this once before, with Shiho, and Ryuji hates that she has to go through it again with Akira.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to, but what are going to do if Akira isn’t willing!?” Ryuji feels like his back is against the wall. Goro keeps looking at the bedroom door and, in that moment, makes another decision. While Sojiro and Ryuji start to debate the possibility of getting him into therapy for, at least, what his parents did, Goro slips into the bedroom. Akira is lying on the bed, on top of the blankets, idly scrolling through his phone, not at all asleep nor even pretending to try.

“I can hear them still, they know that, right?” Goro crosses the room and drops onto the bed next to him.

“Probably. They’re just worried about you. _ I’m _ worried about you.” Akira finally looks at him and Goro can see the complete exhaustion in his eyes. All the years of living while not wanting to be alive have just piled upon him, and Goro is amazed that he made it to this point without a meltdown.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Goro sighs again, for what feels like the millionth time, before physically motioning for Akira to scoot over.

“Come on, you had the right idea, let’s nap.” Akira scoots, and Goro climbs into the bed next to him, snatching Akira’s phone while he does. “I mean it, we’re gonna nap. I know you slept like shit from the alcohol, and well, I didn’t sleep.” Akira tries to apologize, and Goro puts a finger over his mouth. “No, no apologies. I was right where I wanted to be, ok? But we’re both tired, and we need sleep.” Goro reaches behind him to drop the phone on the nightstand before cuddling into Akira. “We’ll figure all this out. I promise.”

Akira doesn’t say anything, at least not verbally. Instead, he takes Goro’s hand, where it’s draped over his waist, moves it up to his chest, right over his heartbeat, and presses down on it. 

Somehow, Goro thinks, that says everything.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the ending. In truth, when it comes to suicidal ideation, nothing really ever solves itself in one fell swoop. Which is what I was trying to convey in the ending. Akira doesn't really have words for all of his feelings, but he wants Goro to know that he's still here, which means they still have time. I'm someone with Major Depression. Sometimes, I don't deal with my problems and instead, I just go to bed. Nothing gets solved and its all still there in the morning. 
> 
> This isn't the end of this series though, so, don't worry. Akira will get better. I promise.
> 
> You can find me on twitter @ twinskelletons or on tumblr @ sakaamotos


End file.
